You know, I’m normally very excited about girl scout cookie season. I like them so very, very much. But there’s something that’s always bothered me about girl scout cookies. Why can’t you just buy them in a super market? Why are they only available once a year through some weird organization? It’d be like if they only sold Coca Cola in July and you could only buy it from the Knights of Columbus. Girl scout cookies are delicious. They come in thin mint and samoas and also… other flavors. How come I have to know a child in a beret in order to get them? Just sell me the cookies, you know what I mean? I have American money. Just put them in a store and I’ll buy them.
And have some pride in yourself girl scout cookies! You are much more than just the once a year type of thing. You are not candy canes, and you are certainly not the McRib. We don’t need to you leave town for most of the year. You are delicious cookies. I mean Seth, have you had thin mints before? They’re fantastic. Put them in the freezer next time, unless you don’t like having your mind blown. And do the people who actually make the thin mints realize that they have a best seller on their hands? How long is this exclusive sales contract going to last where they only sell the cookies through a weird child army in table cloth dresses. You know, according to the girl scouts’s website, you cannot buy girl scout cookies online. Do you know what you can buy online? Everything. You can buy everything online.
So in conclusion, girl scouts I don’t mean to get on your case but you should take it as a bad sign that in your entire 93 year history no one has copied your business model. No one has said, “You know how we should sell our product? A bunch of little girls in sashes and then everyone can buy them from them as long as they work in the same office as one of their moms”.
John Mulaney’s Weekend Update rant on Girl Scout cookies.